How do you explain to your child the ‘rules’ around turn-taking?
Here is my turn-taking cartoon strip to get the steps straight in your head but also a great visual tool to explain it to your child from about 3 years of age onwards. Rather than drawing it ahead of time, I draw box by box and talk while I draw to explain what is happening and who is saying what. I find it helps to keep children’s attention, rather than them seeing a page of cartoons all at once. ‘When in doubt, say it with a pen’ includes more information on the benefits and ‘how-to’ of helping to explain situations to your child through drawing. For the littler ones, it is important to keep your language VERY simple. ‘Sarah’s turn then Jake’s turn’ or ‘wait’.
So let’s go through each of the pictures…
1. Use your words! One of the keys to sharing and turn-taking is learning to use your words instead of your hands, which ends up in ‘snatching’ and squabbles. You will at first need to model the words ‘can I have a turn?’ or for the younger ones ‘mine?’ or ‘my turn?’. It would be too simple if child 1 (with the toy) would simply hand it over to child 2, but normally this doesn’t happen. Instead, you get ‘NO!’. You may not need to step in, but ‘no!’ is usually an alert for a parent/carer to be there if needed.
2. The warnings. Once child 2 has used their words, I explain to them that they can step back and wait or otherwise ask for help from an adult. This is usually to place ‘warning #1’. Otherwise, child 2 will generally find ‘words haven’t worked for me, so I’ll take it with my hands’… Warning #1 usually goes ‘2 more minutes, Master 2, then Master 4’s turn’, keeping the language as simple as possible. After a minute, ‘warning #2’ gets issued – ‘nearly Master 4’s turn!!’.
3. Waiting. In the meantime, child 2 can choose to wait there in case they get lucky and child 1 decides to hand the toy over OR they can find another toy to play with while they wait. Occasionally this starts an opportunity to ‘swap’ if child 1 decides they then like the look of that toy!
4. Intervening. By this stage, you’ve given your final warning to child 1 and it’s now time to intervene. Again, warn with words before you take out of their hands (or they could point the finger at you for snatching!!). Keep the language simple with something like ‘Master 4’s turn now’. Of course there might be tears and this is where you will need to set the rules for child 1 now, ‘Master 4’s turn, then Master 2’s turn….wait…’ (and stick with 2 minutes). If the child is struggling to wait, you might try distraction instead and present a different toy or encourage them to leave the area to do something else with you.
And this is all assuming child 1 hasn’t already handed over the toy in which case I encourage ‘thanks’ (with an ‘eye connection’, that is, establishing eye contact) and enforce this for children 3 years and above. Kids have a lot to learn before manners explains when children are ready to learn about manners.
Ready to start?! Look at the pictures again and see if it makes sense. It might take practice to remember simple wording or to not step straight in, but a learning parent is an interested one!
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Are you looking for a green smoothie that will provide PLENTY of nutrients to start your child’s day and tastes delicious? Are you feeling like your child could never come around to this? Well then read on for the recipe and how to wean your child onto this delicious breakfast OR snack.
Here is the recipe for one: (tip: write it out with the quantity for the number of people you are making it for and stick it up on the kitchen wall until you know it back to front!)
The ‘works’ green smoothie (AKA ‘the juice of a sea cucumber’)
- 1 kale leaf, washed and stalk removed
- 1 handful spinach, washed
- 1/2 orange, peeled
- 2 tsp almonds, soaked in water night before and drained (allows nutrients to be absorbed by your body better – ‘bioavailable’)
- 1 tbs goji berries
- 1 tbs chia seeds
- 1 banana
- 1 cup water (or equivalent ice)
- optional: probiotics, changing chia for sunflower seeds, linseeds or pepitas, 1 tsp Superfoods for Kidz ‘Vital Veggie Power’ (particularly used for Master 21 months who eats minimal orange or green veges if we’re being realistic!), swap 1/2 orange for 1/2 lemon + 1/2 pear.
Blend until smooth.
Here are some of the steps we took to wean the boys onto this smoothie….and who now SLUUUURRP it!
1. Start on an easier smoothie. We started with 150ml almond milk, 1/2 banana, handful of soaked almonds, 1 tsp carob powder, 1/2 tsp honey or 1 date, probiotics, pepitas/sunflower seeds thrown in. See my post, ‘What About A Brekky Shake‘ for further ideas. Adjust the carob/cacao/cocoa or slightly more honey to entice them in.
2. Make small changes…slow and steady wins the race! We started adding 1/4-1/2 tsp barley grass powder. This is a great start in developing a taste for some supergreens and the boys gradually got used to 1 tsp barley grass powder. This then became the green/chocolate smoothie.
3. Give it a name. The boys were used to names such as ‘choco-coco banana’ or ‘honey cinna-banana’ so by the time I announced we’d try a new smoothie, they were excited to name this new one. This time I drummed up more excitement by using Master 3.5’s new interest, sea animals. I suggested ‘what about the juice of a sea cucumber?’. A definite ‘YES’!
4. Introduce a new cup/straw. As we are trying to get rid of plastic and the chemicals that go with it, I decided to invest in some stainless steel cups and drinking straws. I brought these out on the day we tried the new smoothie.
5. Plan to drink the new smoothie yourselves first and only offer a taste for your kids – miracles can happen when there is no pressure and they see others enjoying it. The first morning I made the new smoothie (juice of a sea cucumber), I talked it up, but only made enough for my husband and I, not planning for the boys to drink more than a taste. They both had a taste and Master 22 months took the bait…. ‘MORE!’. So we donated one of our smoothies to him and made do that morning with some sneaky ‘low-fives’.
6. Slow and steady wins again. I then made Master 3.5 his usual ‘choco-cinna banana’ in WITH the remnants of the new smoothie. In fact, I knew half of the ingredients of the green smoothie weren’t THAT far off what he was used to. So I added the almonds, goji berries and chia but left out the orange and greens (there was already some taste of them in the dregs) and added almond milk instead of water. It was daring but he went with it!
7. Blend and blend again. Sometimes the smoother the better, particularly with fibrous foods like orange. Be sure to start weaning off super smooth once you have the kids hooked in so they don’t rely on ‘no bits’ forever.
8. Know went to step up, and went to back down. Again, slow and steady wins the race. Keep making your green smoothie first, and making your child’s preferred one with more and more dregs. I sensed that Master 3.5 was interested in the new smoothie after he saw Master 22 months slurp his up. He just needed a day or so extra to get his head around a change in his breakfast routine, not SO much the taste.
9. Give some warning. I planted the seed ahead of time and one day confidently announced ‘we’ll be getting up early to get out and go to the beach tomorrow morning, so we’ll all have the juice of a sea cucumber tomorrow okay?’. He agreed, although I was probably still prepared to make his back up if he needed. Nope, he was completely happy to enjoy the new drink with us!
10. Educate! We have drawn a picture and told the story of how each ingredient does something to help our body. Master 3.5 is learning to have a sense of ‘taking care of his health’ as he asks me to go through each ingredient and what it does again!
Of course another idea would be to get your children involved in making the smoothie and talking about all the yummy ingredients in it, pointing out the ones they already know and the ones that sound enticing (like goji berries). I didn’t play up the greens but maybe that was just me anticipating a reaction!
And the best bit about this shake is… you won’t even have to fake a ‘yummy’ smile as you drink, because it really is delicious!
Please let me know how you get on or other delicious variations 🙂 Heidi
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Come 18 months, your child may be up for the dreaded tantrums and the beginning of ‘mine’. You see for the first couple of years, a child believes they are an extension of their mother, until through brain development, the little one works out they are actually their own person….. Bring on Master Independence, Miss No and little Master MINE! These once innocent children suddenly have their own thoughts, feelings, opinions and honestly believe that everything IS theirs. It might be hard to believe sometimes, but your child is not trying to cause fights because they want to. They are not naughty.
So how do you help your child to share and take turns, especially when other children are in the equation? The first thing to have a think about is the difference between sharing and turn-taking. There is a difference! So sharing means that your child may give part of something in their possession whilst they share it with the other child (think ‘here you can have one of my grapes’, ‘you can draw with my pencils with me’). This can be easier than turn-taking which involves handing treasured items over and spending agonising time waiting for who-knows-how-long. For this post, I will talk about sharing meaning both sharing and turn-taking.
There may not be a correct answer, but one question I do ask is ‘how much should a parent step in and coordinate sharing?‘ versus stepping back and letting children learn through experience (obviously not to the point of physical aggression).
Here are 10 points to think about when dealing with children struggling to share.
1. It depends on age. The way you help your two-year-old to share will be very different to your four-year-old. You may step in less with the older children and leave them to sort things out of their own accord. For the younger ones, you will use far less language to help negotiate sharing (think 2 word phrases until you are sure they understand, through repetition, how sharing works).
2. Have a rule on ‘special toys’ that you will always stand up for. Your child needs to know and understand which toys are their own ‘special toys’ that other children are not allowed free access to (think special present, comforter, favourite book). The less the better, to avoid extra work for you and your child ‘protecting’ them all. These are the ones you might pack away when other children come to visit or you will always give back to it’s owner if the sibling manages to get hold!
3. Teach the concept ‘wait’. Waiting is a very hard concept for a young child to grasp as it happens in many different scenarios (think waiting in line at the post office, waiting for dinner, waiting for a turn on the swing) and it is nearly always for a different length in time. Sometimes it’s not even clear to the child when waiting has finished (unless you signal ‘finished waiting’). Learning and defining the sign ‘wait’ (click on hyperlink to see) can be ideal as you will most likely be signing this for a while to come in many scenarios, especially in turn-taking and even when you can’t talk (think mouth full, on the phone). Signing can also help to distract your child.
4. Have a rule about ‘no touching’ (snatching) when another child has their hands on a toy and ‘use your words’ instead. You can reinforce this even for the youngest ones by helping your child to take their hands off the toy being used and model ‘mine?’ (placing their hand on their chest can be a good natural gesture (my/mine) to reinforce the concept). This is when you sign ‘wait’. Part 2 of this post will go into more about what to do when the other child says ‘no!’.
5. Ensure a consistent waiting time for each child. If there are any little ones involved, you might have to stick with ‘two minutes’ for everyone’s turns. Preschool kids can definitely learn to wait longer such as ‘five minutes’ or ‘until Jack has ridden around the path’ or ‘when Sarah has finished her painting’.
6. Be consistent with the language you use. Children will share better when they understand how the ‘rules’ work. Using repetitive language (such as ‘Johnny’s turn, Sarah’s turn next…wait….then Sarah’s turn’) helps to make each sharing scenario more predictable and hence help to keep your child calmer.
Think about this: The child that can stop and listen to your words about how the sharing scenario will work, and understand that they will have another turn after a short period (say 2 minutes), will be more likely to succeed at sharing than the one that doesn’t understand what is happening and allows their brain to ‘flip it’s lid’ (meaning they get so worked up they then cannot think straight to calm down and understand the situation). Because of this, it is so important to pick the best words for your child to understand and say them the same way each time.
7. Choose your battles. Sometimes it is easier just to have two of the same item, when you know it will matter!
8. The more you put in, the more you get back. It can be hard work negotiating but as I’ve said above, the more consistent you are in setting up the rules, the quicker your children will come around and hopefully transfer this to sharing with others outside the home. Sometimes you will be just putting in energy not stepping in and seeing how the children learn themselves.
9. Keep in mind personality. Some children are more easy-going and yes this transfers onto sharing. They will probably be able to let go of their turn much more easily than the persistent child that digs their heels in and resists transitions (especially without warning!). Not that you want to treat each child differently, but you will want to give more understanding for these persistent ones ;).
10. Mind the ‘martyrdom’. This can be a tricky one for some parents. Does your child really need you to step in and help?
Stay tuned for Part 2 – The ‘sharing’ cartoon strip!
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An interesting thought on all of the ‘shoulds’ you get thrown at you when pregnant or raising children! This is why I hope that you can all match what your life circumstances bring when I make suggestions on here…… What do you all think?
Thanks Buddhist Boot Camp
Clyde is a single father of two. When his wife died of diabetes last year, he vowed to take better care of the family’s health by doing three new things on a regular basis: exercising, eating more fruits and vegetables, and never getting fast food ever again. Tonight, with only $20 to spend on dinner, he will make them mashed potatoes, grilled chicken, and steamed broccoli florets. Even though he wants to buy everything organic, he simply can’t afford to do so right now, so he’s doing the best he can to avoid processed foods, soda, and everything that has high fructose corn syrup in it.
A woman named Laura is standing behind Clyde at the grocery store. Her life is completely different than his, so her shopping cart is filled with organic and seasonal produce that she can easily afford to buy without hesitation. Although she’s a strict vegetarian herself, and a big supporter of local farmers, she can’t really be upset with Clyde for buying non-organic food or for eating meat. Organic is better than conventional, that’s true, but conventional is certainly better than fast food. According to his time, place and circumstance, Clyde is actually doing the right thing. In-fact, they both are.
Never judge anyone for the choices that they make, and always remember that the opposite of what you know is also true. Other people’s perspective on reality is as valid as your own, so no matter how certain you are that you’re doing the “right thing”, you must humbly accept the possibility that someone who does the exact opposite from you might actually be doing the “right thing” as well.
Everything is subject to time, place and circumstance. There are no “shoulds” in compassionate thinking!
The above excerpt from Buddhist Boot Camp is a chapter called “Doing the ‘right’ thing”. Feel free to share it with others. Namaste.
[Milestone] Whilst it is AVERAGE for a child to know their address (street number & name) by 5 years of age, why not try a few of these exercises much earlier:
– when learning numbers, go & point out the number on your letterbox
– contrast with other neighbours’ letterboxes or comment at friends’ places
– do drawings of your house & mark the number at the front
– define what a ‘street’ or ‘road’ is – where cars drive, the gutters etc
– when driving the last few streets to your home start naming each street & emphasise the name of yours
– go for a walk and really get to know your street (& mention the name)
– draw a map to your house and talk about the street name
– you could even define suburbs as ‘areas’ & mention when you leave yours or which suburb regular activities are in, such as swimming or the shops
Sometimes I take the boys outside to eat on their mat, then leave them alone. It is interesting to see what they do without my needing to fill their silence with talk all the time!
They don’t necessarily interact but instead take the time to notice their surroundings and also get used to each other’s company, more like the way boys know how, without the need for constant chatter.
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The QUICKEST snack you could prepare with ‘superfood’ benefits of turmeric, which will help keep your child’s liver clean from all the detoxifying of toxins they may be ingesting. Not to mention a great fine motor task for little fingers to pick up and eat!
1. Rinse tin of No Salt Added Chickpeas.
2. Pour onto baking tray.
3. Sprinkle turmeric powder over the top. Shake tray to coat.
4. Place in oven at 200degrees Celsius for ~40mins depending how crunchy you like them. For little ones you might just do 30mins to keep them semi soft.
Enjoy! 🙂 Heidi
As the nine months draws to an end, most parents start to feel the nerves of managing one child (or more!) AND a newborn. Yes it does come with challenges, logistical craziness and plenty of work in helping your older child through, no matter what their age, but keep in mind it is still a very special time and hopefully an exciting event for your child!
The good thing is, you can start to make small changes before the baby arrives to help prepare your child for what will eventually be the ‘new’ way of life. Do talk about the pros of the little brother or sister’s arrival but remember playing cars and tea parties will be YEARS from now! Your child needs to know what will happen from day one, particularly what will affect them.
You can start by slowly introducing some of the changes below and providing pieces of information about the ‘new’ way of life…and repeat as much as they need!
- Prepare for the whole family to have a shake-up to their routine for a while. You can start talking to your child about what might change for them, such as coming to watch the baby have a bath before their bath or explaining that Mummy or Daddy might have a sleep in the daytime.
- Prepare to be breast-feeding at any time of the day, including right at your child’s bath, book or going to sleep time. You can change up any routine now by having your husband step in (or you if you don’t normally take that activity, as down the track your husband might be doing the baby settling which gives you a chance to spend time with child 1). Encourage independence in any activity that your child is close to, such as scooping their own food or taking off some of their clothes before their bath and putting it in the laundry.
- Prepare to need quiet while someone is trying to settle the baby. You can start practicing being quiet with your child, practicing for when baby arrives. Doll or teddy play is great for this or even making a game of tiptoeing to the bedroom.
- Prepare to be needed in two places at the one time. You can start making your child wait that bit longer before you get to them or getting them to set themselves up for say book time or at the dinner table. Again, think encouraging independence in any skill that your child is close to mastering!
- Prepare to be busy. You can start thinking about new routines now. This might be cooking dinners when your child sleeps/rests, to avoid super-crazy witching hour or if you need to go hard at improving your child’s sleeping habits. Reconsider any changes to your child’s life for the first little while, such as toilet training, moving to a bed, mostly as you will have less time and emotional energy to deal with these.
- Prepare for a family full of emotion from tiredness to jealousy! You can prepare your child by either talking to your child about the feelings that they might face (Trace Moroney writes a great series of books ‘When I’m feeling… kind, lonely, sad, jealous, happy, angry, scared, loved’) or prepare to give out many hugs and special time for your little one if they are too young to understand the words for these scenarios. The most important thing is to be HONEST. When you sit down and think about it, there might be few ‘pros’ for your child to have this new baby in their life so it is important not to pretend it is anything other than how your child is feeling that it is. Jealousy and loneliness COULD be on the cards but on the other hand, your child might enjoy helping out and being the big brother/sister!
- As mentioned in many of my posts, drawing is a great way to help your child talk things out whilst keeping their attention. You might do a stick figure drawing and say ‘remember when you were in your room today whilst Mummy was feeding little bubby? (drawing as you go) Did you feel jealous that Mummy wasn’t there playing with you?’ or ‘remember when Mummy couldn’t get to swimming today because she was feeding little bubby? (drawing as you go) How did you feel taking Daddy instead? (you might let them draw the smile/frown or give them options of ‘excited’, ‘sad’, ‘both’). Drawing brings past events (even from 10 minutes ago) to a concrete level for your child to think about more easily. It also lasts longer in front of them than words that come and go. And it can end up being a ‘special activity’ they get to do with Mummy or Daddy. Link here to find out more about drawing conversations with your child.
Above all, patience and understanding is really needed, which can be extremely hard when you are exhausted. You can only do your best and remember, all the first-borns in the world have had to go through the same thing! ‘You’re going to be a big brother. What do I say next?’ also has information on how/when to break the news and preparing your child for the birth.
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Are you children interested in nature? Could they do with less screen time? Does your child love ‘treasure hunts’ or drawing? Do you need an activity that you can direct from the kitchen?
This activity promotes language-learning, getting outdoors, drawing skills and if need be, an opportunity for you to get the kids out from under your feet! Of course you might find yourself out in the garden with your kids which is even better, providing you with fresh air and an opportunity to get to know your backyard better too!
Bring in the Backyard Treasure list! This is how we play:
1. Present your child with a special ‘notebook and artist pen’ and tell them they are going to find some treasures in the backyard. They will need to listen up closely!
2. Challenge your child to find an example of each treasure description you provide (see list below for each treasure description). Note, each description includes a word that the child must understand to find the correct item, great for language development. You may need to discuss what the descriptive words mean before they go hunting.
3. The child must go and draw what they find, not touch. This is to avoid little hands dealing with spiders and other not-so-safe delights in the garden. Older kids might be fine to decide what they pick/bring back, but the main aim is for the child to then draw the treasure. This is great practice for drawing what they see with the motivation of having a collection of drawings of their findings.
4. The child brings their notepad back to show you the drawing and to check if it fits the treasure description. This is a great time to further promote your child’s language skills by discussing if the item fits the description and how they decided they would pick that particular item. If it does not fit the description, you may need to provide some examples of the descriptive word, for example ‘wet means there might be water on it, it’s not dry‘).
5. Give the next treasure description.
For older kids, you could provide the written list, as above and let them go out and take on the task themselves.
This activity can then be repeated again and again, encouraging your child to find different items to match the descriptions. Or think up a list of new descriptions!
Here is the list we have used so far:
- a brown leaf
- a ‘forked’ stick (one with a ‘V’ in it)
- a spider
- something NOT green or brown
- something moving (don’t touch)
- something living
- something when you look up
- something you can eat
- something wet
- something man made
- something that feels rough
- something with a nice smell
- something old
- something new
- a green leaf
Don’t forget even words like ‘NOT’ are descriptive words and are important for a child to understand. A child may not understand the concept of ‘something new’ in the garden, so you may have to explain how ‘new’ relates to the garden. If your child is not old enough for understanding words such as ‘man made’, think about some other descriptions you could add. Here are just a few ideas to get you started – more descriptors of how items feel, look, colours, NOT….., quantity. Remember the more you play with the same descriptions, the more your child has to think outside the box to find something different.
And if your child really does like to bring back a collection for you, why not save these in a basket and leave out for later imaginative play!
Let me know how your children get on with this fun yet educational activity!
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